I just want my babies to stay being babies....

Yesterday I had a shock.  I had a friend over for lunch and she brought her two boys.  The eldest I've known since he was about six months old.  The first time I met him, we babysat him at work and he sat on my knee while I sent some emails and he was a cuddly, lovely, bundle of squidgyness.

Yesterday, he refused to give me a kiss goodbye, and when I said he was a good boy, he said "I'm not a good boy, I'm a cool boy".  A cool boy??! Suddenly, and with startling clarity, I realised that my babies won't stay babies forever.  And it broke my heart.

With Z, I've rushed to every developmental milestone, so keen to get to the next one.  We started weaning on his four month birthday, he got his first shoes at ten months when he couldn't really walk. I've always pushed him to roll over, to sit up, to crawl.  And now I want it all to slow down please.

He's so wonderful and cute and snuggly.  He bosses me around at the moment "Sit here, Mummy" and takes my hand when we leave the front gate "Hand, Mummy".  He needs me to wipe his nose, and his hands "Sticky Mummy".  And one day he won't need me at all and I can't bear it.

I took the twins to a baby sensory class in Cheshire today and it was all bright lights, loud music, bits of cloth being shoved in their faces.  And I recognise myself in the other pushy Mums of first born singletons.  And I realised that I don't want the twins to have lots of sensory development - I want them to stay all tiny and delicious and to think that I am the universe for forever.

For the first time, I'm starting to feel like a Mum.  Not just a keen intern who views this as a two year project.  I'm starting to get that low down aching heart pain.  And I suspect it's not going to get any easier.

And I really want my babies to stay babies forever.

I've seen and dismissed this poem on mumsnet etc before.  And I think it's starting to make sense....*sobs*

"The Last Time"

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms you will never be the same
You might long for the person you were before
When you had freedom and time
And nothing in particular to worry about
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before
And days will run into days that are exactly the same
Full of feedings and burping
Nappy changes and crying
Whining and fighting
Naps or a lack of naps
It might seem like a never-ending cycle

But don’t forget….
There is a last time for everything
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down
And never pick them up that way again
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone
They will hold your hand to cross the road
Then never reach for it again
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus” and do all the actions
Then never sing them that song again
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times. And even then, it will take you a while to realise.
So while you are living in these times, remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.