Being Two Years and One Month is Irrestibly Delicious (apart from the Drooling)

This little guy turned two at the beginning of April, and a whole world of cuteness has suddenly opened up in the form of him speaking a lot more.  He's also getting his molars through so I've had quite a few "not very maternal" moments.  And am permanently covered in drool.

I'm Turner and he's Hooch.

Cute things that he has said in the past month include but are not limited to:

"Where are you going?" "Shops"
"Are you taking the dinosaur toys?" "Yes"
"What do they need from the shops?" "Biscuits"

"Mmm, these (completely imaginary) cakes are delicious, what did you make them with?"
"Hands"

"What was that noise?"
(without looking up) "Faaart"

(Trying to get his Polish Grandad to dance)
"Come on Dzadzio"

(When I do something that meets his approval)
"Well done Mummy" "Clever Mummy" "Yes, Mummy" "Good, Mummy"

(When I do something that does not meet his approval)
"No, Mummy" "Silly Mummy" "Daddy, my Daddy"

(When he's filled his nappy)
"Daaady, Poooooo"

His insistence on saying "Hello" and "Bye bye" to everything - cats, cars, "A moon", "A man" and anyone who leaves the room.

I've just re-read this post and realised it's not that interesting, but I don't really care because I think it's adorable and hilarious.

I probably need to get out more.

And stop making references to little remembered 80's cop-dog buddy movies.

Now where's my copy of K-9?

Have I got another one in me?........

A friend recently said she had her third child, despite quite an age gap "because she just felt like she had another one in her"

This is, I think, a great way to describe the greedy, greedy biological clock that is my body.

In the words of R Kelly, "my mind's telling me no, but my body's telling me yes....."

We have three amazing babies.  I survived two pregnancies virtually painlessly.  We are all happy and healthy.  A family of five is enough to feel big without being unmanageable.  We haven't priced ourselves out of nice family holidays.  We're outnumbered but we can handle it.  My body is getting back to normal, I'm running again. The planet is already over-populated enough.

My brain tells me all of these things.

My tragic, melodramatic body says

"But you'll never breastfeed again, you'll never have the joy of growing a human being inside you, you'll never go through childbirth again, you'll never again hold your tiny newborn in your arms and feel all the love in the world"*

Hmmm.

I'm feeling incredibly empathetic towards those women in their thirties whose bodies turn against them.  There they are, enjoying good careers, fancy clothes, casual relationships and lots of lovely wine when suddenly, their treacherous body starts demanding they sniff babies heads and browse the Little White Company catalogue.

Ugh.  Yet again, being a woman has some stinking downsides.

I'm going to keep ignoring my ridiculous, demanding ovaries and the voice of baby number four (I think she's blonde and called Matilda) and crack on with looking after the three I've got. 

And one day, I might be able to persuade myself that three really is enough.  Probably the next time I'm in Clarks buying shoes....

*My body knows full well that I hate being pregnant, breastfeeding makes me feel like a dairy cow and I was so tired/ drugged up after having babies by "assisted" means that I never got that "moment" with any of them.

A 10 minute blog

I've got a work call at 9 and the babies are asleep.  I'm all set up "business-like" with a coffee and clean hair to talk about my return to work.

I'm 10 minutes early so I thought I'd quickly tap out some words and see how far I get in that time.

I was thinking yesterday about the things you could add to your CV if maternity leave was considered valid work experience.

Productivity would definitely rate very highly.  I have learnt to be so much more productive with my time since having kids.  I'm much more realistic about what can be achieved in allocated periods of time. 

We add complications to our lives over the years - ask any woman with a full time job, a few kids, nice hair and good relationship - your life is so full, its fit to burst.  To keep juggling all the elements effectively, no minute can be wasted.  It's as though everyone in your life is billing by the hour and you're the client watching the budget like a hawk.

I don't take sugar in my tea any more - it was taking too long.

I like multi functional beauty products.

I look for kids clothes that don't have fiddly buttons.

I cook one pot meals.

I can write a short blog post in 10 minutes.

Feeling Empowered to Call My Babies Dicks

This lady, Eeh Bah Mum is an amazing, hilarious blogger who I have followed since I was pregnant with my first baby and I was sent a link to one of her posts.

She's recently been criticised by another Mummy blogger, for amongst other things, calling her son a Dick.

There's been a bit of Mummy blogger backlash and Eeh Bah Mum has written a response - so there's not really anymore to be said about the affair.

Apart from the fact I wanted to say thank you to Eeh Bah Mum for making me feel like it's all really okay.  Children are dicks sometimes - we all are.  Her posts are witty, insightful, crude, cruel, a celebration of the comedy of being a Mummy and a commentary on the situations we've all been in and know so well.  And reading them makes me laugh out loud and feel better about the fact I sometimes leave the babies to cry for a bit while I pluck my eyebrows.

She's been blogging since my first baby was born, and at 3am, when a baby is crying for no reason, I can think "Oh, you're probably just being a dick, that's cool.  Let's hug it out" Eeh Bah Mum said it first and it has empowered me.  And I'm truly grateful.

I've had experiences of fellow Mums online and in real life who have made me feel wonderful and brave and cherished.  And some Mums have made me feel a bit shitty.  And I may have unintentionally made other Mums feel both ways.  Let's face it - if you're a Mum, you're probably a bit weird.  We have so much access and information on all the different styles of parenting, it's easy to raise a (perfectly plucked) brow at what other people are doing.  And we sometimes make a silent comment or judgement on what "other mothers" are doing.  But it is totally not cool to make an out and out criticism.  Not cool at all. 

We're all a little bit of everything.  I'm breastfeeding twins (Mummy plus point) I still drink red wine and coffee and did through both my pregnancies (Mummy negative point) I've always made all the baby food from scratch (Mummy plus point) I use disposable nappies and get through wet wipes like they're going out of fashion (Mummy negative point)

My experience has made me who I am and it's given me the tools to be a parent - sometimes I get it right, sometimes I get it horribly wrong.  But websites like Scary Mommy and bloggers like Kirsty (@eehbahmum) make me feel strong and brave and silly and cheerful - and that's probably a good mix for a Mummy.

p.s. Whilst we may want to throw our drinks in other people's faces, nobody actually does it, apart from on EastEnders when they do it all the time.  But even then I've never seen anyone do it to a baby. 

Questions and Answers by a Nearly Two Year Old

Z has started to talk - it's so brilliant getting to be part of his journey as he becomes a proper conversationalist.  Some of these are instant classics and I don't want to forget a single one.

Where have Daddy and Grandad gone?
Pub

Z, have you done a poo?
No, Daddy

Z, have you done a poo?
No, faart

Have you been a good boy today or have you been a bit mad?
Mad

Who broke the bin?
Grandad

Would you like to wear those pyjamas on your head to nursery?
Yes

Z, what are you doing?
Biting Frafer

What does that stone smell like?
Neck

Z, what would you like for dinner?
Honey

Who did Mummy's lovely Mother's Day present come from?
Shops

Z, why did you throw that ball at E's face?
S'a ball

All other questions should be answered with a resounding No.  Or with another question.

It might be time to stop asking him questions.

A note for my children on International Women's Day

I intended this post to be a note to my little girl - and then I remembered that I want my sons to be feminists too. I want my sons to understand what it means to be human and to embrace the difference that gender brings to that meaning. So here goes:

Be bold and ambitious - you are limited by the size of your dreams- dream big, work hard. Be nice to everyone,  always, you don't know their full story. Be complex - you don't need to choose to be Audrey or Marilyn. You can have a career and a family, you can be successful and vulnerable, beautiful and intelligent, creative and logical. None of your life decions should close doors for you.

Be optimistic. Be adventurous. Say 'yes' as often as you can. If a situation feels wrong, listen to your instinct and get out of it. Never ignore your true voice. Don't be degraded or disrespected more than once.
Love women. They created every person on this planet with their bodies. Don't be prudish about childbirth, menstruation or breastfeeding - talk about it, be inspired. Never be embarrassed by sexual health, buying condoms or tampons - you are privileged to have open access to these things.

Speak your mind, even when you're at risk of causing offence - there is room enough in the word for everyone to have an opinion. Be thankful that yours is not decided for you. Do everything you can to minimise inequality, oppression or small mindedness. Embrace the future and everything it holds, especially change. Challenge yourself. Smile. Be courteous and smartly dressed - these things show that you respect convention. Then be unconventional. Love your siblings, they will be your lifelong allies.

Finally, when your Mum is preaching at you about all the things you should and shouldn't do - ask her how many of them she managed. Then give her a cuddle.

Never overlook the obvious...

Just had a hellish playdate - Z was a total menace and I spent all morning trying to figure out why he's being such a bad version of himself today.

Its an indication of how sleep deprived I am that I forgot to factor in the fact that he's poorly at the moment - with recurrent croup. He's full of cold and toddlers always misbehave when they are under the weather. But he's been a nightmare!

I just realised the treatment he was given yesterday for his croup was a steroid. They did mention he might be pumped up - I kind of forgot this would last for 48 hours.

I should have cancelled the playdate. I'm now amazed he was actually so good!

Moral of the story - toddler playmates are bad enough. Don't organise them when your toddler is on steroids. Certainly never organise a playdate when you have four month old twins and your toddler is on steroids. If you do organise a playdate when you've got 4 month old twins and a toddler on steroids, certainly don't attempt to make homemade butternut squash soup and homemade bread.

I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon watching Frozen and hiding under a duvet.

Silly mummy.